


The Chase

by Whreflections



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Complete, Drama, Fear of Discovery, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-24
Updated: 2012-09-24
Packaged: 2017-11-14 23:53:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/520832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whreflections/pseuds/Whreflections
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the worst things in life is losing something you never fully let yourself realize you had. When Jeff goes home to Seattle to try and start things over and piece himself together after Jensen let him go, Jensen realizes that letting Jeff go is the worst decision he's ever made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Written for pictures2words at lj, :)

“Will you just go?”   
  
Jensen jerked a little at the sudden exasperation in Chris’ voice, his eyes cutting over to catch the way Chris was staring him down. He shrugged, his heart sinking. He knew exactly where this conversation was going, and he was tired of having it. Hell, it was most of why he’d started only half returning Jared’s calls. He was just tired of talking about it.   
  
Chris edged closer, leaning up against the bar on one arm and shoving Jensen’s shoulder lightly with his left. “Seriously, man, this is getting ridiculous. You know where he is. You know he wants you. Short of you not being able to man up and tell him how you feel, I’m not seeing a problem here.”   
  
Just like always, apparently they were talking about it whether he wanted to or not. He sat his beer down a little harder than he meant to, glass thudding against wood. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, Chris, it’s not that simple. This isn’t some chick movie where I drive up there and tell him I’m an idiot and he falls all over himself to forgive me. I fucked up, and I know it, and maybe I’m not totally over it-“  
  
“ _Totally_  over it? Please. God, Jen you-“  
  
He cut him off, ignoring the edge of worry that had crept into his tone. “But I deserve it, alright? I lost it. Sometimes there’s things you just lose, and I guess this is one of them.”   
  
Chris rolled his eyes, tipped his beer up to catch the last bit at the bottom before dropping it down onto the bar and stepping back. “That’s bullshit and you know it. Just cause you  _lose_  something doesn’t mean you stand there moping waitin’ for it to disappear. Lost doesn’t mean gone, Jen, it just…it just means it needs a little bit of work.”   
  
“What I  _need_  is for the people that are supposedly my ‘best’ friends to stop hounding me about this shit.” He tapped his thumb against the bar, annoyed. “And I need something harder than this.”   
  
Chris laughed once, short and easy. “Yeah, you’re totally fine.” Before Jensen could even open his mouth for a retort, Chris was slapping his hand against the bar. “Get him something good, would ya? On me, but I gotta get over there and start earning my keep.” With that, he headed over to the stage at the side before Jensen could say a word.   
  
There wasn’t much of a crowd, but there hadn’t been for the past couple shows either. Jensen downed the shot of Crown the bartender gave him, only half paid attention to Chris and Steve’s greetings to the audience. He only focused in when he heard Steve start fiddling around with the guitar.   
  
Chris cleared his throat, tilted his head into the microphone as Jensen looked over.   
  
“Right, so this song, it’s the first one we ever wrote so it’s pretty important to us, and uh, I’d like to send it out to a friend of mine tonight, who needs a little bit of a clue about how much pursuing you really have to do when you’re in over your head.” He thumbed down a chord on his own guitar, his lips quirking when he glanced over at Jensen. Under the stage lights he probably couldn’t see the glare in Jensen’s eyes, but he was sure Chris was imagining it. “This one’s called The Chase.”   
  
 _“Goddamit…” Jeff rubbed his hands together hard, blowing on them a little to fight the frigid Canadian weather. Springs up here were still pretty cold, but the past week in particular had been a little ridiculous.  
  
Jensen leaned back against his truck beside him, shoulders just brushing. “Cold?”   
  
“ ‘m freezin’ my ass off out here, yeah.”   
  
He grinned, shifted his weight to edge a little closer, share some warmth. “Psh, this? This is  **nothin’**. You should be here in the winter, and the way they have us shooting at all hours of the night…” He shook his head, looked over to smile at Jeff beside him. “Once you do that,  **then**  you can fully understand how friggin’ cold it gets up here.”   
  
Jeff laughed once, short and soft. “Yeah, I bet.” He was moving forward then by just a little, edging away from the truck and toward his own Jeep just reluctantly enough to bolster Jensen’s confidence. There’d been  **something**  building between them since they’d started working together on set and even more after they’d started hanging out outside of it, and even though he’d be back for at least the one episode next season, they just had another week or so of shooting for the time being. If he was going to act on whatever this was, he needed to do it fast.   
  
He cleared his throat, the break in the silence stilling Jeff’s slight movement. “You ah…you wanna come back to Jared’s and have a drink with me? He’ll be stayin’ out pretty late with Chad, since he came up to visit.” It was as direct as he could get without being too outright blunt. He kept his gaze steady with those damn mesmerizing hazel eyes, and he didn’t let himself look away. Whether it backfired on him or not, he was asking, and he meant it.   
  
He didn’t have long to wait for his answer. Jeff was already smiling back him, the light of it easily reaching his eyes. He nodded once, slow but confident. “Yeah. Yeah, Jen.”   
  
He nodded, swallowed against his suddenly dry throat. “Good.”   
  
He  **meant**  to walk past him and around to the driver’s side, really, but once he was closer things just seemed to happen of their own accord. Domino effect. He could feel Jeff’s heat radiating in the space between them and he reached up before he could stop himself, laid his hands against his chest. Jeff took over from there, one arm sliding smooth around his waist, head dipping to meet him in a kiss just slow enough to give him time to change his mind. Not that he ever would have.   
  
The first kiss was slow and shockingly sweet, and his lips parted in a soft gasp when he felt Jeff’s thumb brush against his cheek. Jeff was smiling, and when he took a deep breath he could smell the hint of late snow in the air mingled with Jeff’s own scent. It was mesmerizing, and for a minute he couldn’t do anything but stand there and breathe it in, his fingers closing just a little against the edges of Jeff’s jacket.   
  
“Jen?” His stubble scratched lightly against his skin when he spoke, lips brushing warm against his cheek.   
  
“Hm?”   
  
“Think it’s something like 10 below out here.”   
  
He laughed, pushed him back playful but hard enough to put some distance between them. “Wuss. Get in the truck; she’s got a pretty good heater.” _  
  
It had started simple.   
  
Back then, he’d told himself it was nothing complicated. It was just him and Jeff and this tangible something that he couldn’t quite grasp, and it had only seemed reasonable that if he just said ‘what the hell’ and gave that tension some reign, it’d ease up.   
  
That would’ve worked, probably, if it was just sexual tension like he’d been telling himself it was. Honestly, though, he’d known from the beginning it was more than that, as surely as he’d known Jeff couldn’t just be a one night stand. He was gorgeous, definitely, but there was way too much else he’d been drawn to about him at the same time to ever believe it was  _just_  that. The way he brought Bisou on set and loved on her between takes, the way he played around with him and Jared like they were all just kids running wild, the way he laughed, big and warm, and the way he drove his Jeep, one hand on the wheel, one resting casual against his thigh, reaching over every now and then to rub Bisou’s head when she stretched forward. All the million little things you notice about your friends that you keep track of, that maybe endear them to you if you’re really close. Or, sometimes, the kind of things that make you fall head over heels into something more dangerous, the kind of love that sneaks up on you.   
  
He’d known deep down, and if only he could’ve admitted it then or at any point a hundred times after, everything would’ve worked out much better. Honestly, though, wasn’t that why so many authors wrote about regret? He was pretty convinced at this point that as a whole, the human race was hardwired to fuck themselves over and only realize it at the  _exact_ moment everything was shot to hell beyond recovery.   
  
He’d been running over it for months, now, and he wasn’t any closer to forgiving himself, and much as he hated to admit it, Chris was right. He wasn’t any closer to being over it, either.   
  
Frustrated, he yanked his phone out of his pocket, shooting off a rapid fire text.   
  
 **Jay?**    
  
He didn’t have to wait long for his answer, the phone lighting up silently in his hand seconds later.   
  
 **Hey, man. What’s up?**    
  
He bit his lip, tapped the phone against the bar. Everything he wanted to say Jared had heard already, and even though he was a good enough friend to not be tired of it, he’d pretty much lost all sympathy and moved on to telling Jensen to get up off his ass and go do something about it. So, he settled.   
  
 **Should come up here to visit me sometime soon. House is weird empty.**    
  
 _That_  was definitely true. Of course, it’d been awesome of Jared to let him stay at the house in Vancouver over the summer. He hadn’t felt like working, and staying somewhere so familiar had seemed like a good idea. Now, he wasn’t sure if it was or not. The house was layered in memories, if not of Jeff than of Jared and the dogs, making it seem all the more empty.   
  
 **Some people have work to do, Jen. We can’t all be sitting around at home. ;)**  
  
He laughed softly, rubbed his thumb across the keys. He could hear Jared teasing him.   
  
 **Yeah, yeah. Big moneymaker, I get it. So I’m thinking about getting a dog.**    
  
Honestly he’d always  _liked_  them but he hadn’t had one in years. Moving in with Jared there’d been Harley and Sadie, and though he’d fallen in love with them it had been Bisou that really converted him to full-fledged dog lover. Even though Harley and Sadie were around him all the time, the months where everything had been going so well for him and Jeff he’d seen what it was like to  _really_  share your life with a dog. Even though she had her own dog bed that she always laid down on when they let her in the room before they went to sleep, she always ended up on the bed, and he’d wake up in the morning half tangled with Jeff and half with her, sometimes to a cold nose against his neck. She was there to follow their every move, sitting with them on patios when they went out to dinner and hovering in the backseat of the Jeep, hanging her head over the seat to nuzzle at his neck when he wasn’t paying her enough attention. He’d been thinking, lately, that if he had a dog like that, maybe things wouldn’t be so lonely.   
  
 **Uh, ok. Dog friendly?**    
  
He shrugged, instinctively responding as if Jared could see him.   
  
 **Yeah, course. I mean, I haven’t looked yet, but it would be. Just think it’d be good having a dog around. Good company.**    
  
The next answer came far too fast, and he knew almost exactly what it would say before he slid his phone open.   
  
 **Won’t find that in Vancouver.**    
  
He slid the keypad shut and left it at that, turning around on his stool to face the stage. He’d been a little distracted for a couple songs and they were well past The Chase, picking their way through America High. No matter how many times he saw these guys play, he’d never really get tired of it.   
  
All the same, tonight, he was looking forward to just getting back home. Even if he was just going to be there alone.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“So…” Jeff cleared his throat, let the words come out even though he’d been trying not to say them. “How’s Jensen?”   
  
“Honestly? Like hell, Jeff.” Jared’s voice was a little tinny on the other line, the sounds of L.A. traffic seeping through around his words. “As long as I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him this out of it. I mean, by the week after he and Daneel broke up I was seein’ improvement in him but  _this_ …he’s terrible, even if he says he’s not.”   
  
Jeff leaned back against the kitchen wall, his eyes shutting as he rested his head back against the tile. “Maybe he is ok. I mean, I know he didn’t find any work this summer but-“  
  
“He didn’t  _want_  any work! His agent nearly killed him over it! Look, I know you wanna say this isn’t about you, but I swear to God-“  
  
“Look, even if it  _is_ , I didn’t…” Well, he couldn’t say he hadn’t done  _anything_. Last time around, he’d been the one that left. But that shouldn’t really count. “I’m not the one that got everything to where it is now. That was him. So I don’t see why he should be anything but ok with that.”   
  
He heard Jared sigh, could just see him flipping his hair back from his eyes as he shifted the phone. “Look, I know you’re mad, ok, I just think if you came up and  _saw_  him you two could talk this out.”   
  
“I’m not mad, Jared.” Honestly, he’d only ever been mad over all this for maybe an hour, tops. Mostly, it had just fucking _hurt_. Way more than he ever should have let it. “Look, I gotta go, ok? It was good hearing from you.”   
  
Jared paused just long enough to show for sure that he didn’t buy it, but this was Jared and he was good enough to not call him on it. “Yeah, ok. Bye, Jeff.”   
  
From her place by his knee Bisou whined at him, nose inching up under his hand. He ruffled her fur, thumb lingering over the soft tip of her ear.   
  
“Yeah, I know, girl. I know. I miss him too.”   
  
 _“I take it you’re glad I’m back on set?” The words slipped out breathless, snuck in between kisses when his lips were free. His back was up against the wall in Jensen’s trailer, Jen’s hands already untucking his shirt and sliding up underneath.  
  
Jensen moved his head almost enough to count for a nod, using the change in angle to capture his mouth again far too briefly. “Might’ve waited a little longer, y’know, had some more class about it but I figured…” He paused, mouth too busy sucking hard at Jeff’s neck. “Since you’re  **dying**  on us, we don’t have much time.”   
  
Even if they weren’t ‘slow’ would’ve been a break with tradition. Since that first time around they’d slipped into the habit of fucking each other senseless when the opportunity arose, likely because so few opportunities arose. They could keep talking with thousands of miles distance between them, and they did, but this was something they could only do in person.   
  
And something they never talked about. After the last time about a month ago that fact had tugged at Jeff a little, but he hadn’t wanted to bring it up while they were apart and talking through sporadic e-mails and one or two phone calls. Now that he was there, though, this definitely didn’t seem like the time either. It could wait.   
  
Jensen slid down his body, fluid, roving hands never losing contact. He flicked his jeans open quick, yanked them down his hips and moved in immediately, mouthing hotly at him through cotton. His hips jerked hard, one hand scrabbling uselessly at the wall behind him, the other falling to rake through short, spiky hair.   
  
“ **Jesus** , Jen!”   
  
Jensen chuckled a little breathlessly, found the tip through his boxers and sucked hard over it, one hand rubbing against his thigh. It had been way too fucking long, and if he kept this up he wasn’t gonna last long enough to fuck him. He slipped his fingers through his hair again, stroking and less grabby. “Jen, gonna have to stop if you want me to-“  
  
He was shaking his head already, reaching up with both hands to pull his boxers down. “Later. Right now, just want this.”   
  
His mouth closed warm over him then, blistering wet heat and the right amount of suction, and his head snapped back, cracking hard against the wall. He bit his lip to keep from groaning as Jensen worked him over, his hips still jerking erratically against Jensen’s firm grip even though he tried to stay still.   
  
Jensen’s mouth was positively  **made**  for this, and after so long without it he’d been right thinking he wouldn’t last long. He came when he gave in and looked down to watch him, green eyes sparking hot with lust as his lips spread wide to take him in.   
  
Jensen pulled back slowly, lapping a couple times against him to clean him up before resting his head against his thigh, breathing heavy. Jeff’s hand kneaded against the back of his neck, and he could feel the vibration as Jensen hummed in satisfaction.   
  
He let out a hard breath, cool against his skin. “You’re summoning Yellow Eyes in 15 minutes.”   
  
Jeff laughed, a little high and more than a little overwhelmed. “And you expect me to go play your daddy after that? Ah, shit…”   
  
After then, Jensen was laughing with him._   
  
“Her name’s Chex.” Jensen juggled the phone against his shoulder, trying hard to keep control of the leash and not drop his cell. “Yeah, like Chex mix, what’re you, four?”   
  
Chex whirled around at the sound of Mackenzie’s laugher, tongue lolling as she practically galloped back toward him, one paw digging into his thigh as she jumped up against him. He craned his neck to hold the phone higher, trying to push her down with one hand.   
  
“Hey, Mac, listen, I gotta let you go. Just wanted to let you know.” Chex backed up, only to take the leash her mouth, tugging and growling good naturedly. “Yeah, I’ll bring her next time I come. Ok. Yeah, love you too.”   
  
He slid the phone back into his pocket quick, freeing his hands to grab her by the jaw gently and ask her to ‘give it’. It didn’t work quite so well for the first couple tries, but he did get her mouth to loosen enough after that that he could pull her lease free. She was energetic, yeah, and maybe a little crazy in the way Harley had been at first and still was most of the time, but what the hell. He liked her spontaneity and friendly goofball happiness, and she’d learn.   
  
The fact that she was a Rottweiler mix had absolutely nothing to do with it.   
  
 _Jensen scrambled to reach the phone in time, snagging it off the dresser on its last ring and pulling it up against his shoulder. “Hello?”  
  
“Did you finally go running with Jared?”   
  
He laughed, his face instantly slipping into an easy smile. “Fucker. You know I had to run out here from the shower to get this? I thought you were Jared bitchin’ at me for bein’ late.”   
  
“Oh really?” There was just the slightest suggestive hint to the words and Jensen felt his skin heat up, blushing just a little.   
  
“Shuddup.” He shifted the phone to his other hand, walked backwards until his legs hit the bed and he could sit down, slinging his towel over his lap even though there was no one there to see.   
  
“So, late for…?”  
  
“Ah, just golfing. We’ve got the day off, told him I’d help him with his swing some. He’s friggin’ terrible.”   
  
“Just keep in mind, you haven’t seen me play. ‘Terrible’ is relative.” No matter how much he tried not to think about it, he couldn’t deny it listening to him now. It’d been a few months since he’d seen him and awhile since they’d even talked, and **God**  he’d missed the sound of Jeff’s voice, rough and warm and comfortable. “Well, I’ll let you get to it, just wanted to let you know I’ll be coming to town soon.”   
  
“Seriously?” Jesus, but he sounded like a kid.   
  
Jeff laughed, bright and happy. “Yeah, seriously! I got The Comedian in Watchmen; we’re filming up there startin’ September!”   
  
It took a second for it to sink in, good news on several levels. “Jeff, that’s awesome, man! Congratulations!” Growing up he’d never really been all that into comics, but he’d have had to have lived under a rock to not know what a legend Watchmen was. As far as he’d heard this movie was going to be epic, and Jeff scoring this could likely be a huge boost for his career.   
  
Not to mention, he’d be in  **Vancouver** , right during Supernatural’s filming season. There wasn’t an angle to look at it from that this wasn’t a Godsend. His grin widened, excited, and he wished it wasn’t just April.   
  
“Yeah, it’s a great opportunity, I’m really looking forward to it. And The Comedian, he’s fascinating, he’s so fucked, and I’ve been thinkin’- But you gotta go, right?”   
  
Now, he didn’t want to. He wanted to settle in on his bed and talk to Jeff for four hours like a 13 year old girl, but days off were few and far between , especially this close to the end of the season. And if he didn’t show up, Jared would kill him. “Yeah, I’m sorry, Jeff…but hey, this is…this is awesome. Seriously.” He bit his lip, wavering on the line of exactly how much he could say. They’d been sleeping together for about a year now, and they still hadn’t ever mentioned it. He was mostly glad for that because typically, this was easier. All the same, there were times he couldn’t help feeling like whatever it was they had already, it should be more. “I uh…it’s gonna be great having you here.” Lame, but as close as he could get for the moment.   
  
“Yeah. Yeah, it will.” He could hear Jeff’s smile and he relaxed, his nerves easing. Apparently, it was enough._   
  
“Momma, listen, I-“  
  
Of course, she ignored him, barging on anyway. “Honey, you know it’s not that I’m  _complaining_  or trying to tell you what to do-“ Of course she was. “I’m just saying that I know you needed some time off, but it’s been awhile now and things were going so  _well_  for you and I just think that it’s not right to just throw away a good thing like that.”   
  
Jeff sighed, paced closer to the window and leaned against the glass, looking out over the city. “I hear what you’re saying, I do, but I’m alright where I’m at now.” He would’ve said he was happy, but she was his mother and he didn’t want to push it. She’d call him on it, immediately. “I set out to paint in the beginning, remember? And I loved acting, I still do, and maybe someday I’ll feel like going back to it but right now, I wanna paint. That’s how it is right now, ok? And I’m doin’ fine, it’s not like before when I was pressed for money or anything like that-“  
  
“Oh sweetie, I  _know_ ; this isn’t about the money! I just…” He waited, could almost picture the ‘worried mother’ eyes she would’ve been giving him. “I just can’t help thinking this has less to do with you wanting to go back to painting than it does with you wanting to get out of acting.”   
  
He shifted, leaned heavier against the window. Outside, the sun was setting over Seattle in brilliant orange. “Meaning?”   
  
She sighed, heavy and tired. “Meaning, are you still waiting for him to call you?”   
  
He bristled a little at that, his voice rising. “I was never  _waiting_  for him to call me, mom, I didn’t expect him to do anything.” In a way, that was  _almost_  true. In the beginning he’d had expectations, but those had gone down pretty quick. After that he hadn’t  _expected_  Jensen to do anything, he’d just hoped. Having hopes was a hell of a lot different than having expectations.   
  
“I know, Jeff.”   
  
Of course she thought she did. There was too much sympathy in her voice, and it made him feel worse for worrying her than he already had. She’d never judged him, not once(well, if he didn’t count her initial opposition to his move to L.A. and his start in acting), and when he’d told her there was something going on between him and Jensen, her and his dad both hadn’t been anything but supportive. That was definitely part of the reason it was hard to keep brushing her off…she knew at least a little bit about how things had gone down, and the fact that he’d decided to come back to Seattle after that was far too suspicious, in her eyes.   
  
“Look…I’m fine, ok? Really. Next time you come over for dinner, I’ll show you the stuff I’ve been workin’ on, prove I  _am_ painting.”   
  
“Jeff, it’s not that I don’t believe you’re painting, I just-“  
  
“How’s Callie? She still doin’ ok?” Their old neighbor’s daughter had been in a car accident a few weeks before, and though she was pretty much alright he knew his mom could spend at least a good ten minutes updating him. Luckily, she rose to the question with only a little hesitation, and for the moment he was off the hook.   
  
 _“-and I don’t think you’ve heard a word I said since I came in here, have you?”  
  
Daneel sat beside him on the edge of the bed, hand running gently over his shoulder. She was exactly right, unfortunately. He couldn’t have repeated a damn thing she’d said from the time she came in to the now, and he should’ve felt more guilty for it than he did. He brought one of his hands to cover hers, stilling it. “Sorry, I’m listenin’ now. Sorry.”   
  
She shook her head, a slight smile on her lips just sad enough to be worrying. “Who is she, Jen? You know at this point, you can just tell me, because it’s not like I can’t tell.”   
  
He sat up quick, pulling her hand between both of his, tugging it close. “Whoa, Daneel, no it’s not like that, it’s-“  
  
“Whether you’re actually having an affair or not, Jensen, there’s **someone**  else on your mind all the time now, don’t you think I can tell?? You’ve been a little distant for awhile now and I thought it was work, but it’s only gotten worse and believe me, I mostly accepted it a long time ago I just….kept hoping, I guess.” She shrugged, and he scrambled, backpedaling.   
  
“No, it’s really not-“ The look she gave him then stopped him, somehow warm and resigned and hard and hurt all at the same time. He swallowed, his eyes flicking down.   
  
“If it’s not some **one** , it’s at least some **thing**. Whatever it is, your heart’s not in this anymore. And I guess I’ve known for awhile I needed to be big enough to let you go. I just haven’t wanted to do it.”   
  
She leaned in, kissing his forehead tenderly enough to make him flinch. God, he was an ass. He reached up, caught her shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug, his eyes squeezing shut.   
  
“ “m sorry. I’m so sorry.”   
  
She laughed, soft and close to tears. “Yeah, Jen. Me too.” _  
  
Even in the summer, mornings were cool in Vancouver. Jensen sat on the back porch with his feet kicked up against the railing, drinking coffee and throwing a ball for Chex. She wasn’t the most coordinated dog ever, and she pretty much had goofy stamped on her forehead, but she was slowly learning the principles of how to bring the ball back. And some other things, like how not to clear the coffee table when she wagged her tail and that she shouldn’t jump on the couch with muddy paws.   
  
She nudged at his thigh with the tennis ball, whining and impatient, and he threw without looking up from the magazine clipping in his hand. Chad had mailed it to him, just the picture of Daneel and some up and coming new actor he’d never met with a note stapled on the bottom of ‘Thought you’d like to know before it hits the papers up there’. Likely, it wouldn’t hit the papers here at all, not that he read them anyway. Still, he appreciated Chad wanting to give him a heads up, even if didn’t hurt like he once would’ve been sure it would have.   
  
He had never really planned on breaking up with Daneel. At least, not the way they had. He’d known it was gonna happen, sooner or later, but he hadn’t thought about how exactly to bring it up. He knew why he wasn’t as into as he used to be, but he couldn’t tell her that, especially when he could hardly even admit it to himself. They’d been pretty much living together in L.A. at the end of that summer, and even though he knew his heart wasn’t in it, he’d been pretty sure he was faking it well enough that she couldn’t tell. Clearly, he’d been wrong.   
  
There was so much that he should’ve told Jeff then, so much that he could see looking back on it now. That whole summer of 2007 he’d hardly been able to think of anything but the fact that Watchmen was filming in Vancouver in the fall, and even though there’d be  _both_  their work schedules to work around, Jeff would be there for months. It was dizzying and complicating, and even though he never let himself outright think it, in the back of his mind he’d been building up something for them even then. Something that he’d wanted way more than his girlfriend and way more than he’d ever wanted anyone else as far back as he could remember.   
  
If he’d told Jeff that, even a fraction of that, things might’ve gone a little differently. As it was, he’d kept his mouth shut. 


	2. Part II

_“Please tell me you’re done for the day.”  
  
He heard the thud of a trailer door shutting, boots and skittering nails on linoleum. “I’m done.” He sounded tired, worn from the move up to Vancouver and a long first day. “You want me to come over? Think I still remember how to get to Jared’s, but if I get lost I can give you a call back.”   
  
“Actually…” Jensen cleared his throat, tightened his hand on the wheel and cast a glance over towards the set about a block away. “I was thinkin’ dinner. There’s this Thai place up here me and Jared go to all the time. I could come pick you up, if you want, you know, or…” He rubbed the back of his neck nervous and impatient all at once. “Or maybe I could make dinner, if you don’t wanna go out I was just thinking, we could get out and actually do something.”  **Like a real date.** Not that he could come right out and say that of course, so it sounded convoluted and ridiculous, and he was just opening his mouth to try again when Jeff answered.   
  
“Sounds great, Jen. Going out to dinner’d be great.”   
  
Just like that, his heart was about ten times lighter. “Awesome. I’ll be out here, just come on whenever you’re ready.”   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
The laughter from the living room was loud and warm, and Jensen smiled as he pulled the beers out of the fridge. A month into both the season and Watchmen, and Jeff had fit back in with him and Jared like he’d never left, like he’d always belonged right there, a missing piece. Today Jeff had finished early and come over in time to watch him wrapping up his last scene of the day. Jeff had followed him back to his trailer where they’d made out like teenagers for awhile before he’d changed and gotten ready for dinner with Jared. That brought them back here, mostly settling down for the evening while Bisou ran around with Harley and Sadie like wild dogs in the backyard.   
  
It was so fucking perfect it was scary, and he’d have been freaking out over it already if Jeff hadn’t been so damn calm about the whole thing. Lately, he’d started to think if maybe Jeff didn’t have the right idea. This  **worked** , and it was working now that they were seeing each other nearly every day. Half of him had expected it to taper off or fall apart but it fit more easily than he’d ever imagined.   
  
When he made it into the living room Jared was sitting on one sofa and Jeff on the other, his arm across the back of the seat, casual. Inviting. It was one thing for Jared to know they were sleeping together and another for him to  **know**  they were together, to see evidence of it with his own eyes. Really, though, it wasn’t Jared he was worried about, it was what really letting him know would mean, a first step toward telling people, which was a first step toward making this  **real**  and that was enough to make him swallow hard, his throat already dry.   
  
Jeff met his eyes when he handed Jared his beer and headed toward the couch he was on, and even though he’d been workin’ himself up to take the seat farther down and not push it, there was something so goddamn warm and hopeful in his eyes that it crushed his doubts. Brutally. He settled down against Jeff’s side, quick, before he could change his mind. Jeff’s arm slid down off the back of the couch to rest around his shoulders and hold him close, their fingers brushing as he took his bottle.   
  
“Thanks, Jen.”   
  
He said it warm and soft, and he could feel his breath on his skin, but he didn’t kiss him like he normally would have if they’d been alone, and Jensen was grateful(and a little ashamed)that he was careful not to push it. For his part, Jared grinned and ducked his head to try to hide it, searched around until he pulled a remote from between the cushions and found a TiVoed Seahawks game for Jeff.   
  
It was easy sitting beside him, and later when the game was almost over and he leaned in to steal a kiss while Jared wasn’t watching, Jensen realized he didn’t mind at all.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
With a few exceptions, his bed hasn’t been empty since September. It’s that absence that wakes him, when he rolls over to drape himself over Jeff again and finds only cold sheets. Even Bisou’s up, on the floor and on her bed without sleeping, head on her paws as she watches the door.   
  
Curious, he pushed up out of bed, yanking his t-shirt on against the cold and heading out down the hallway, carefully stepping around the creaking planks on the floor. When he gets to the living room he isn’t exactly surprised to see Jeff outside and leaning against the railing, cigarette glowing in the dark. Jensen slipped out quietly, easing up beside him and leaning in close, arms brushing.   
  
“You couldn’t sleep last night either.” It’s soft and unaccusing, but he can’t help but  **want**  to know, to be confided in. He’d thought last night that maybe he was planning for a difficult scene or not feeling so good or any of a dozen things that brought on a sleepless night every now and then but two in a row makes it seem like it’s something Jeff needs to get off his chest, if he’s willing to.   
  
Jeff nodded, took a long drag from the cigarette before bringing it down, flicking it absently between his fingers while he thought. “It’s just…past couple days, the shoots we’ve been workin’ on, it’s pretty fucked, Jen. The Comedian, it’s a good role cause he’s got so much to him and he’s  **not**  just this sick bastard, but that’s a part of who he is for sure and today had me shootin’ this pregnant girl and gettin’ in his head for that, going that dark it’s just a little…” He fidgeted with his smoke, almost brought it back to his lips. “Unnerving, I guess, I dunno.”   
  
Yeah, he got that. He hadn’t had to go too dark himself, yet, but with some of the things Eric had told him he had planned for Dean, it looked like he was gonna get to go there, and he already didn’t envy the experience. Jeff seemed just a little lighter now that he’d gotten it out, his shoulders just a little easier and he took that cue, reaching up and rubbing his shoulders, easy and familiar.   
  
“So I was thinkin’…you’re here a couple more months. Not much sense in you having that hotel room since you could just come stay here with us.” Which was practically what he was doing already anyway. He cleared his throat, squeezed his hands just a little harder. “With me. Sound good?”   
  
“Jared-“  
  
“Is happy to have you here. He let me in here and he gave me that room and that little part of the hall down there, even if you weren’t a friend of his I could have whoever I wanted staying and he wouldn’t care. So long as he doesn’t have to bleach his ears, he says.”   
  
Jeff laughed at that, and when he turned his head Jensen could see the smile in his eyes. “Well alright then. I’ll let the guys know tomorrow they can lose the hotel room. I don’t have much left to move that isn’t already here, but I’ll grab it after the shoot tomorrow.”   
  
“Alright.” He slid his hands down, trailing over the sleeves of his hoodie a minute before he pulled away, rubbing his hands together. “You comin’ back to bed? Or do you want me to stay?” If he needed some more time to think he didn’t want to push, but even though it was cold as fuck out here he’d be willing to stay if that’s what Jeff wanted.   
  
“You go back and get warm, and tell my girl to quit whining at the door.”   
  
“She wasn’t whining. I think it was more of a longsuffering look.”   
  
Another laugh, and he seemed to be almost ok again. “I’ll be in in a few minutes ok? Just need to think awhile.”   
  
“Yeah, ok.”   
  
Back in his room he did get warm, but he didn’t go to sleep. A half hour later when Jeff came back he was ready, and he waited until he stripped down to his boxers and slid in bed to pull him close, sharing heat with his cool skin and tugging him in for a kiss, deep and reassuring.   
  
A few more like that and he’d worked Jeff over onto his back, rubbing against him slow and insistent until he could slide his hand between them and pull them both free from their boxers, moaning as his erection brushed against Jeff’s. He stroked with his hand around them both, deliberate and sure. When he was close, moaning against Jeff’s shoulder Jeff flipped them over, pinning him down and batting his hand away to do it himself, and his big warm grip was all he needed to send him over the edge, arching and coming hard when Jeff bowed his head to breathe his name against his skin.   
  
They fell asleep together after that, and Jeff didn’t wake up until his phone went off, trilling harshly in the silence to drag him out of bed for an early shooting call.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“Jen…”  
  
He groaned, reached over his shoulder to smack futilely at mostly empty air. One hit grazed off Jeff’s shoulder, but it clearly didn’t deter him any.   
  
“Aw, c’mon, Jen…” Still groggy and dazed, he could feel a hand circling lower on his abdomen, easing toward his cock that was already deciding to take interest in the way things were going. Even if the rest of him wasn’t.   
  
He mumbled something that should’ve been words and tried to push his hand away, with no success.   
  
The bed shifted, and he felt Jeff’s tongue against the crease between his thigh and his abdomen, gentle and teasing. Yeah, ok, maybe that felt good, and normally he’d have been more interested, but his eyes were still glued shut, thanks.   
  
Warm lips closed over him then, hot and suckling, and still all limp and loose and sleepy it felt so goddamn good. He moaned, feeling clumsily around for a minute before his fingers found the back of Jeff’s head, raking through his hair appreciatively. Jeff moaned around him, low, and though his hips jerked up of their own accord, Jeff didn’t pull back from it.   
  
His breath quickened, and for a minute his grip on Jeff’s hair tightened, thrusting lazy and shallow into his mouth. He was warm and hazy, still just this side of drifting but his eyes finally fluttered open, casting around to the side Without his glasses or contacts he couldn’t really make it out, but if he kind of squinted it  **looked**  like the first number on the clock was a four.   
  
He groaned, more out of frustration than pleasure. “If it’s four o’clock in the fucking morning, I’m gonna-“ He lost the thought, moaning as Jeff took him deeper, swallowing.  **That**  was new, and it was more than enough to make him lose it, panting and dissolving into even more of a loose-limbed puddle than he had been.   
  
Jeff swallowed what he could, cleaned him up a little with his tongue afterward, stubble grazing rough against the inside of his thigh. It was something he had so strongly associated with Jeff that even spent his dick tried to respond, twitching feebly against his abdomen. Jeff moved back up to hold him, lips meeting in a brief kiss.   
  
“Had to wake you up. You’ve gotta be there at 5, and I knew if that alarm of yours went off you’d be pissed and cursing it all the way in. Thought if you woke up a little happier-“  
  
“ ‘m still not happy. Don’t overestimate yourself, nothing makes mornings happy.” He rolled into Jeff’s arms, the words muffled against his bare chest. He felt him shake a little with laughter, one hand smoothing gentle down his back.   
  
“Of course. Demons, easy to deal with. Mornings on the other hand, that’s the real root of all evil.”   
  
“Damn right.” He sighed, burrowing deeper into him to block out the non-existent light. “How long have I got?”   
  
“Mmm..maybe 10 minutes.” He rubbed his back a little harder, keeping his attention. “Need to stay awake, Jen. Gotta be gettin’ up.”   
  
“Fuck you.”   
  
He felt the sharp breath of his laughter against his hair, warm lips pressing against his temple. “Yeah, I know. You’ll thank me later.”_   
  
It was July when he went to Seattle.   
  
He hadn’t  _planned_  to, initially. He’d needed to know how Jeff was doing, and he knew asking Jared would only get him a ‘why don’t you check on him yourself’, so he’d done some searching on the internet. He hadn’t found much but what he _had_  found had told him about a new exhibit at the Traver Gallery, on Union Street, not far from Waterfront Park.   
  
A new exhibit featuring a few pieces from ‘acclaimed actor’ Jeffrey Dean Morgan.   
  
When he drove down, he wasn’t going to see Jeff, wasn’t even going to try to go see Jeff, but he owed him this much; he had to see his art. Jeff had told him, before, that painting really was his first true love and as much he’d fallen into acting, he hoped to have the time to get back to it someday. He’d asked before to see something he’d done but Jeff had shrugged it off, said he hadn’t tried in years and that he didn’t bring anything with him the times he’d come to Vancouver. No, he wouldn’t have missed the chance to come see this for the world, even if there was a chance of running into Jeff. Not that it was likely, really. Seattle was a big city. He’d get in, get out…Jeff would never even know he’d been there.   
  
Even telling himself that, for the first three days he hardly left the hotel room. He sat on the bed and looked out the window or absently skimmed through daytime TV, he paced, he played tug of war with Chex and a ratty rope, and he wrestled with her on the floor. And every time he came close to walking out the door to go see the exhibit, something stopped him. Mostly, the paralyzing fear that he  _would_  see Jeff there, that by some dumb luck he’d come walking in at just the moment Jeff had come by to see how the exhibit was going or something stupid like that and he’d be caught looking into eyes that would give him that same look they had when Jeff had left Vancouver.   
  
 _Jen? Why?_    
  
This time, he’d have an answer, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to say it.   
  
“Cause I’m an idiot.” He muttered it low under his breath and Chex ruffed a little at his obvious stress, dancing forward to conk her nose hard up under his chin, a playful puppy attempt at a nuzzle. He ruffled her ears, his smile not reaching his eyes. “Well, thanks. ‘M glad someone doesn’t think so, but you’re still wrong girl. Promise.”   
  
 _It was December before he panicked.  
  
All through the fall Jensen had lived in what was pretty much a fucking perfect world. Even wary as the world had taught him to be about relationships, he’d had to admit that. He and Jeff had gone from fucking each other occasionally to normal dating for a couple weeks and living together for the past few months, and though they’d squabbled a couple times like any two people living in each other’s space would, they’d been so fucking happy none of it had mattered.   
  
Counting everything out, it sounded like one of those crazy old love songs from the early days of rock and roll, listing how the world turned grey without that **one**  person. For Jensen, it was more that he’d seen his world take on brighter color while Jeff was in it. He hadn’t had a bad life before, but Jeff had made it shine. The shoots didn’t seem so long, and even when he came home worn down to the bone, there was Jeff, warm hands to rub his sore muscles and sympathetic ears to listen to him bitch and strong arms to hold him close while he slept. There was the comfort in doing the same for Jeff, for taking care of him in the ways everyone needed their lover there for, and there was the joy he got from the way Jeff smiled when he was happy, lazy and easy and still brighter than anything Jensen had ever seen. There was Bisou with her adorable clingy-ness, and there was the fact that Jeff got up most mornings to make him coffee, something Jared had a bad tendency to forget. There was easy familiarity and domesticity and truly fucking mind blowing sex, and he should’ve been so damn grateful for it he was clinging on with both hands.   
  
Instead, he was letting it go. All the fear that hadn’t gripped him while they were just sleeping together before finally came on in full force. The past few months had been harmless, out of touch with most of his world and free of potential consequences but now…now he’d be heading back to his world, and if they tried to keep  **this** , Jensen was pretty sure he’d drown with haw far he’d be in over his head.   
  
First off all, he wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be, after all, because he’d been in love with Daneel(once, at least), and he’d been with other women before her and been pretty sure he loved at least one of them, and there was just no way he was gay. For Jeff, sure, but not for anyone else, and if the papers got a hold of it, they’d never let him go. He’d be ‘Jensen Ackles, gay Supernatural star’. He had a hard time facing adoring fans on his best days, and he  **couldn’t**  face the press and a mob of angry fans like there would certainly be over an issue this huge.   
  
Second, and most important, there was his family. He’d have probably been ready and willing to bite the bullet with the press for Jeff if it hadn’t been for his family. Hard core Texans, all of them, and him admitting his relationship with Jeff to them would be, in their eyes, the same as him admitting to a horrifying sin and saying he was going to keep committing it every day for the foreseeable future. It’d be the same as saying he was planning to run off all the time and molest children or murder babies; that’s how well his family would take it. His daddy would yell and his momma would cry and his brother and sister in law would say he had no right to be around his nephews while they were so young and impressionable, especially considering how Logan looked up to him. If they spent too much time around him, they might catch his perversion.   
  
Even  **if**  by some magic he got them over the whole gay issue, there was still the fact that Jeff was 12 years older than him, something he knew his mom would never let slip by her quietly. But thinking that far ahead was just wishful thinking altogether, because in order for his mom to work through her coronary over him being with an older man, she’d first have to work through the issue of him being with a man at all.   
  
Every way he looked at it was suffocating, impossible, and he couldn’t tell any of it to Jeff because he knew that once he tried to talk it out, Jeff would just tell him they could make it work. He already knew they couldn’t, and false hope was the last thing he needed to hear. Especially when he wanted it so bad.   
  
So his decision had brought him here, to Douglas Park in Vancouver, counting the minutes until Jeff’s plane would be leaving.   
  
Just that morning Jared had cornered him in the kitchen, all worried anger and frustration.   
  
“You know he’s waiting for you to ask him to stay; you know that, right?”   
  
Yes. He knew._   
  
It wasn’t at all surprising that all five of the pieces left were fantastic. He’d known they would be, because how could something that came from Jeff’s hands be anything other than true art? He was prejudiced, maybe, but it was still true.   
  
He’d been standing in front of his favorite for the past ten minutes now, and he was seriously thinking of buying it, wondering if he could feasibly do that anonymously. At a gallery this big, he was pretty sure they’d be able to accommodate him. It was gorgeous and moody, all orange and yellow and lightest blue, and it looked something to him like the abstract of a sunset, or the feeling you get just before the sun comes up on a cold day over the mountains, light shining brilliant around the peaks, night hanging still in the deep crevices where the sun can’t yet reach. Maybe. It looked like that to him, anyway, and he could see Jeff thinking of it like that.   
  
He could  _see_  him, hand formed loose around the brush, capturing a mix of what he saw out over this city and what he’d seen from Jared’s back porch still in his mind’s eye. Yeah, he could see it, all of it. The way Jeff’d have his coffee perched somewhere nearby, getting cold because he always claimed he wanted coffee but never drank more than half a cup. Bisou would be by him, curled at his feet and probably sleeping. She was getting old, these days. He’d be wearing something comfortable like he almost always did, something soft and old like ragged jeans and the grey t-shirt with the holes at the collar he’d sworn he’d had since college.   
  
His throat went tight thinking of it, of how  _real_ the image was in his head. And if he’d been a little less stupid he’d have been there, walking up behind him to kiss the back of his neck, rub the tension out of his shoulders and stand there quiet for a few minutes, just watching him work. It was right there behind his eyes, everything he could’ve had, and  _here_  where he was closer to Jeff than he had been in months, it was driving him mad.   
  
The need to see him, to touch him and see his eyes light up the way they always had when he’d come in to the room was so sharp it hurt, and he realized with sudden clarity that it didn’t feel a damn bit better than it had right after Jeff had left. None of it was better, not the ache or the guilt or the need to fall asleep with Jeff’s arm slung secure over his waist, anchoring him close.   
  
He missed him like he he’d never missed anyone.   
  
After months of tamping that down and slamming a lid on it, he was nearly drowning in it now that it had burst free, and he had to admit that maybe Chris and Jared were right. Something that consumed you like that…maybe it was worth fighting for. Even if you deserved to lose it.   
  
Biting his lip hard, he pulled out his phone and dialed absently, eyes still on the painting.   
  
“Jared? Hey, I need some help, man.”   
  
 _Usually, Jensen wasn’t really a big convention fan.  
  
It wasn’t that he didn’t like meeting the fans, and it wasn’t that he thought they were crazy. Far from it, he knew more than anyone else just how much he and Jared and everyone owed them, and he’d met some pretty awesome people over the years. Thing was that when it came down to it, he was pretty shy for an actor.   
  
Cameras and roles he could do, but being himself in front of hundreds of strangers hanging on his every word,  **that**  was nearly impossible. So, he hadn’t been looking forward to this con, to say the least, and that dread had increased about a hundred fold when he heard that the ‘special guest’ for this particular weekend would be none other than the beloved John Winchester.   
  
As if he needed more proof God hated him. The past few months without talking to Jeff had been brutal, and if that hadn’t been bad enough, his mother’d recently resumed hounding him about a girlfriend, and how two grandchildren really wasn’t enough and he wasn’t getting any younger. He’d have been hard pressed to find an aspect of his life that didn’t suck at the start of the weekend, honestly, so it had seemed a good idea at the time to get absolutely hammered Saturday night, while avoiding Jeff as best he could.   
  
Even in theory, the plan already sucked. In practice, it was far worse. He’d gotten wasted alright, but instead of avoiding Jeff he’d ended up tangled up in bed with him, Jeff’s strong hands leaving welcome bruises on his hips as they came together rough. He wasn’t even sure when they’d run into each other, and he couldn’t remember what had been said to get Jeff to come upstairs with him. He remembered only that Jeff had been drunk too, and he’d tasted like Jameson when Jensen had pushed him up against the wall of the elevator and claimed his mouth.   
  
He could remember the heat and Jeff’s tongue against his throat and the way he’d whispered Jensen’s name when he let go, rough and shocky and not quite right, and even out of it as he was, he’d had the niggling thought that he needed to be sober right-the-fuck-then so they could  **talk**  and he could tell him he’d kind of screwed up, and he was actually crazy in love with him, and for the love of God would he please just come back to Vancouver with him before he went insane?   
  
He’d had the thought, but he was drunk and sleepy and hazy with sex and he’d let the thought slip away to wait till the morning. He’d burrowed in against Jeff’s side, and he’d fallen asleep to the feel of Jeff’s hands smoothing heavy and a little clumsy against his back.   
  
When he woke up, he was alone._   
  
Knocking on the door at Jeff’s apartment probably wasn’t the hardest thing he’d ever done, but it felt like it. His mouth went dry, and he would’ve sworn he could feel the echo from the raps on the door pounding in his veins. It was crazy and the cool metal of the frame felt like it was almost burning him, and he was just about ready to walk away and give up when the door yanked open and Jeff was there in front of him.   
  
He looked different than he had a few months ago, clean shaven and a little less toned since he hadn’t been working. His sweatpants hung low on his hips, and there was a gap of skin between that and what Jensen knew was his favorite shirt, a faded brown Eagles one from the Hell Freezes Over Tour Jeff had seen them on the year he was 27.   
  
He was breathtaking, and everything Jensen had been shuffling around to consider saying first was lost right then. His breath hitched, catching and stuttering, and he could feel himself blush, looking away and cursing himself for not thinking just a little faster. He pressed his hand harder into the doorframe, found the courage to speak without looking up to see just how Jeff was looking back at him.   
  
“Can I uh…can I come in, Jeff?”   
  
He shuffled back, shifting the door to his other hand and making room. “Yeah. Yeah, alright, come on in.”   
  
He barely made it inside the door before he leaned back against the wall, hands in his pockets. He hadn’t looked at him since that first glimpse he’d gotten and he knew he probably looked crazy, but he didn’t want to lose it again so for the moment, this seemed his best bet. He brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck, thinking and buying time. “I uh…I talked to Jay, he said that I could…” This was stupid. He hadn’t come here to talk about Jared, or how he’d gotten here, or any of the other inane things that was on the tip of his tongue.   
  
He huffed, frustrated with himself, and forced his eyes up to meet Jeff’s. And yeah, he’d been right before when he thought he’d still the hurt there, because he did. In a twisted way though, that gave him a little bit of hope, because if it still hurt, just maybe that mean he still cared enough to make this work.   
  
“Look, I’m an ass, ok? I…I’m selfish and stupid and I’m the one that started all this in the first place and I just pushed on with it like a 5 year old thinkin’ it was alright cause it was what I wanted but when I decided I didn’t think it was what I _needed_  I-“  
  
“Jen, you don’t have to apologize. Really, you don’t.” His eyes flicked down, but he could still see it. Jeff never had been good with ‘guarded’. “ ‘m alright.”   
  
“No, I’m not just apologizing here. Jeff…”  _I want to get back together._ As if he could say it, just like that. “I am apologizing, yeah, but that doesn’t change anything and I know it. Truth is, I don’t know how to do this, ok? I don’t. And I thought I’d be better not doing it all, but I was wrong, and even if I don’t know what I’m doing I wanna do it anyway and just…” He shrugged, nervously unsure whether he should edge back toward the door or closer to Jeff. He knew which one he’d rather do, but he wasn’t sure he’d be accepted. Not yet. “If you can’t, I understand. I earned that, I know. I’m not expecting anything here, just sayin’ that if you still wanted…I’m not as stupid as I was.”   
  
At first there was silence and it ate at his nerves, crawling up under his skin until his palms itched and he whirled back for the door, hand closing over the cold metal of the knob. “I’ll let you think about it.” He muttered the words through barely opened lips, and he was so intent on opening the door and getting the hell out he jerked when Jeff’s hand came down to hold it shut, his other reaching to pull him into a kiss.   
  
It was the first time he’d tasted him free of alcohol and drunken haze in over a year, and he moaned at the first brush of Jeff’s tongue against his. Jeff’s answering moan sent a shock straight through to his bones, and when Jeff pressed back to push him up against the door he slid one hand down to rub at the strip of skin that had teased him. Jeff moved on to his neck then and Jensen jerked his head back for better access, fingers of his right hand raking through Jeff’s hair as he shivered at the nip of teeth against soft skin.   
  
Another kiss and Jeff was pulling back, hands fencing him on either side of the door behind his head. He was a little out of breath and his eyes were almost bright, but he wasn’t smiling, not yet. “You sure this is what you want, Jensen? Because if you’d just come back here and said you were sorry, I’d have been your friend, if that’s what you wanted. It’s not…it doesn’t have to be this or nothing. I can-“   
  
He wrapped the hand that had rested against Jeff’s hip around behind his back, pulling him in as close as Jeff would let him. He held off from moving in for a kiss, kept his eyes locked with Jeff’s and rubbed his palm against his back, slow. “I want this. I’m choosing this, if you still want it, and I won’t change my mind on you again. I promise.”   
  
For the time being, that was the last thing that needed to be said. Jeff gave in all the way, and they made out against the door until Jensen was riding his thigh, breathless and so close to coming in his jeans. He bit down against Jeff’s shoulder over thin cotton, groaned and whispered that he didn’t want it like this, not yet, wanted to wait until Jeff was inside him first.   
  
The look Jeff gave him then was so scorching he almost lost it off that alone but Jeff pulled back, taking the friction he needed away and leading him back down the hall. He shut Bisou out of the bedroom, let her claws against the door fade into the background as they stripped each other quick and a little clumsy with their urgency. Jensen laid himself out on the bed, flushed and ready, and Jeff pulled the lube from a bedside drawer before he moved on top of him. For a minute Jensen tried not to wonder why it was  _right there_ , to wonder if Jeff had had other men in his bed but it didn’t matter soon enough, because he had slick fingers pressing inside him and Jeff’s lips against his ear, murmuring how fucking good he felt and how much he’d missed him.   
  
He would’ve taken longer prepping him, Jensen knew, but he was ready and so close he knew he wouldn’t last five fucking seconds once he got in if it didn’t at least hurt a little, so he stopped him, urged him to go ahead. Besides, he  _wanted_  to be feeling this tomorrow. He’d gone too long without feeling much of anything at all.   
  
His body responded to Jeff’s like it had been fucking hardwired for his touch, arching up into him when Jeff pushed inside like he just couldn’t get enough. Jeff’s arms shook a little with the effort it took to force himself to go slow, and Jensen hooked an arm around his neck and pulled him down, dragging a hand down his back and digging his nails in just enough to drive Jeff crazy. He started to move then, still slow but it was something, and Jensen brought a hand to the front of Jeff’s chest, rubbing against skin slick with sweat. He could feel Jeff’s heart jackrabbit fast under his palm and somehow that was the last thing he could take, his body jerking as he came hard without being touched. Jeff balanced on one arm, used the other to pull Jensen’s hand away from his chest, nuzzling against his palm and biting gently into his wrist when he came, groaning.   
  
It’d been a long time since he’d had sex, longer than that since he’d had sex this  _good_. Since Jeff, really. He was nearly passed out already, and when Jeff got up he reached for him halfheartedly, trying to hold him in place. Jeff chuckled, wiped Jensen’s belly off with Jensen’s own shirt and went to the door to let Bisou in before he came back, sliding under the covers and spooning up against him from behind. Jeff’s hand flattened against his belly, his lips brushing a kiss to the back of his neck and he sighed, relaxing into his arms. There was never anywhere else he’d ever felt this at home, and now, he knew just how much that meant.   
  
As far as he was concerned, this was gonna be the rest of his life and from the view at the moment, it looked pretty damn good.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
When Jensen wakes up, it’s still the middle of the night. He’s on his side, one arm draped across Jeff’s chest, and he can feel it move with every slow breath. Jeff’s out, and he doesn’t wake when Jensen leaves a kiss on his shoulder and slides out of bed. Now that he’s awake he’s  _awake_ , and he doesn’t want to wake Jeff up tossing around. He slides on his own boxers and Jeff’s shirt because he’s missed being able to do that. It smells like Jeff and he feels so safe and at home wearing it that it’s fucking ridiculous but he doesn’t really care, because it feels too good and he’s happy.   
  
He’s so fucking happy.   
  
Bisou doesn’t get up when he slips out the door, but her tail thumps a few times on the hardwood and he can’t help but smile. All this time, and in her eyes he’s still normal to have around, still accepted, still family. Before, he’d have said she was no judge of character if she liked him so well, but maybe she’s been right all along and he was always going to turn out alright, it just took him a little time.   
  
He drifts to the window in the living room and leans against the pane, one arm up against the glass as he looks out over the city. He can see why Jeff liked this apartment, easy, because he’s always had a thing for a good view, like that time they went hiking in the mountains around Vancouver and he said he could’ve sat up there at this overlook for hours, just watching.   
  
He loses time while he’s looking, but he feels the minute Jeff comes up behind him and he leans back into it, his head tilting back to rest against Jeff’s shoulder and bare his neck, sense memory telling him just how Jeff’s hands’ll fit against his hips before they do. When he does, it feels exactly the same, melding over his skin just where he remembers they should, like his body was somehow never formed until it shaped to Jeff’s hands.   
  
Being in love makes you think crazy things, apparently, but that doesn’t make them feel any less true.   
  
Jeff turns his head a little, nuzzles against his neck and licks softly at a mark he left there a few hours before. Jensen misses the familiar scratch of stubble on his skin, a little, but he could definitely get used to this too.   
  
“You ok?” His voice is low, rough with sleep and sex and Jensen closes his eyes, leans back a little harder into his arms and relishes the sound of it, the vibration of the words against his skin.   
  
He nods, slow and easy. “Yeah. Yeah, ‘m great.”   
  
Jeff’s left arm slides around his waist, hooking him close, and Jensen brings his hand down to knot their fingers together, holding on. Jeff hums low in his throat, pleased, and his grip tightens just a little as he presses a kiss to Jensen’s jaw, soft and lingering.   
  
“I came to see your paintings, you know.” That takes him a little off guard, and he can feel him almost tense for a second but he tightens his grip on Jeff’s hand, refusing to let him take it wrong. “I think maybe it was just my excuse to get my ass down here in a way, but I needed to see them so I came, and I went to the show and they were so fucking gorgeous and so  _you_  I just couldn’t take it and it was killin’ me so I called Jared and I came here.” He slows, his eyes drifting shut as he focuses on the feel of Jeff’s breath against his skin, even and warm.   
  
“I love you.” It’s muttered so low, but there’s nothing nervous about it. Just an admission of something that isn’t a shock, something Jensen’s known for so long he’d be embarrassed to admit just how long even to himself. He’s more than sure of his answer at this point, but he doesn’t feel like he should be allowed to say it that easy.   
  
Instead, he says what he should’ve said before. “Come to Vancouver with me.” It sounds a little too much like an order and he kicks himself for that, his eyes fluttering open as he turns a little to face Jeff in the dark, lets him see in his eyes how much he means it. “If…if you want, if you still-“  
  
“Yes.” He doesn’t even let him finish stammering out his worries before he answers, emphatic, barely getting the word out before he moves in for a kiss. It’s slow and steady and perfect, and Jensen sighs when he tugs his lower lip gently with his teeth.   
  
Fitting into his arms like this feels like the most natural thing in the world, and he can’t help but wonder how stupid he must’ve been to never see it before. He turns his head just enough to bury his face against his neck, comfortable and close and breathing him in. Bisou’s nudging at their knees with an inquisitive nose, and all of it seems like home.   
  
He smiles, lips curving up against his skin. “We gotta go get m’ dog in the morning.”   
  
“Dog?”   
  
“Mmhm. Chex.” Jeff rubs a hand over his ribs, nods absently, and Jensen’s already seeing it in his head. Even though she’s an old girl Bisou’s pretty spry, and the two of them’ll be running around like kids in no time. Maybe they’ll stay with Jared for awhile before they move out and get their own place or maybe they’ll be with him all season and just come back here on breaks. Maybe before July ends they’ll go down to Dallas, get the worst of it over. Maybe when the show’s done they’ll move back to L.A., or maybe they’ll come here and Jeff’ll keep painting and he’ll find a little theatre, but those are all just details.   
  
Whatever the future, it’s  _their_  future now. If his parents disown him, if he can’t get a straight role ever again, if they decide they don’t want to act anymore…all of that’s ok, really, because however it all goes, he’s pretty sure at this point that they’ll still be together when it’s over. Even though he’s been an idiot, if there’s anything he’s learned by their time apart it’s that he  _wants_  this, whatever it takes. Now that he’s been lucky enough to get him back, he’s not going to fuck up that bad again. Not if he can help it.   
  
Jeff slides a hand underneath his shirt, thumb rubbing soft against his hip. “Come back to bed with me?”   
  
“Yeah. Absolutely.” 


End file.
